My Final Caringbridge Post

written and posted on 9/16/12


I grew up wondering when.  There were days, maybe weeks, but never months that when didn't cross my mind.  When would Lo get sick? When would Lo get better?  When would be have to leave Disneyland and return to the hotel to do a breathing treatment?  When would I be the important one?  When would there be a cure for CF?  When would I figure out what I was supposed to do?  When would I figure out who I was supposed to be?  When would I lose my sister?  When would I lose my best friend?

The progression of when questions continues to amaze me.  As I look back over the course of my life, I appreciate the evolution of whens from naive innocence to teenage angst to adult acceptance.  The when road is the most telling path of my life.  Its the path with the most twists and turns and calamities and missteps.  Its also the path that made me who I am today.  

One of the whens has been when should we update caringbridge.  Should it come from mom?  Should it come from me?  When is Lo ill enough to let people know?  When do people want to know?  When do we want people to know?  I've so enjoyed being able to assist in documenting Lo's journey through transplants and health and hospice and even death.  

To some, death is a scary word.  A word that shouldn't be used because of its finality.  To me, it is simply the answer to another when.  When will Lo no longer be in pain?  To me, death is no more a finality than birth (which is never considered a finality).  Just like birth, it is simply a step from one stage of life to the next.  It is a beautiful step ... one full of peace and acceptance.  The two have many similarities. 

Lately, for me, I have wondered when I will start writing again.  I miss updating caringbridge.  For nearly 6 years, it was a somewhat regular outlet.  In between updates, I wrote on a blog called Dissecting Jane.  For a myriad of reasons, I decided to end DJ earlier this year.  However, now, I feel it is time to begin to write again.  I want to write about things I'm passionate about ... medicine and cooking and reading and exercise and family and memories and a million other things.  Its time to open up a new forum, a new place to share my ideas.  I hope some of you will follow me to Just Jane (http://notjustplainjane.blogspot.com) and continue to read and comment.  I want to create a place where everyone feels free to share their responses and feelings about whatever I choose to write about.  And I want everyone to feel free to give me ideas about things to write about.  :)

Mom, Dad, and I are all doing okay.  We love to talk about Lo.  Most of the time, it involves lots of laughter.  There are times it involves lots of tears.  We are all grieving in our own way in our own time.  We are navigating this new normal ... this new lack of when.  Time is a gift.  Enjoy it.  Hug the ones you love.  Erase your hate.  Embrace acceptance.  Not knowing when ... and not having to think about when ... can make you forget to care.  Never forget that today is someone's last day.  Treat everyday as if it were your own last day.  Smile.  Cry.  Enjoy the moment.  

Jane

PS: whens isn't a real word.  I know this.  I don't think it deserves an apostrophe because it isn't showing possession and its not a conjunction.  I just like it.  :)